Q and A

I recently met with one of the researchers in my lab to discuss a project I got involved with two years ago. There were some issues with the analyses I ran, but no one had brought them to my attention until now. Why had it taken so long, I wondered, to point these errors out? And why didn’t I receive more mentorship and feedback when the analyses were being conducted, especially considering that I was (and still am) a research rookie? Back then I didn’t know what I didn’t know, but everyone else around me did, presumably. Why didn’t they train and guide me if the project was at all important? They were the veterans, yet I was given full responsibility over the bulk of the statistical and technical work required for scientific publication. I wasn’t clueless and consented to helping with the project, but not to this.

I was annoyed at my naivety, but also the lack of communication all throughout. Maybe this why many graduate students feel exploited and overworked. Maybe this is why the researcher I met with mentioned that I deserved more credit and higher authorship on the paper. He’s more familiar with the lay of the land and suggested that I step away from the project after fixing the few errors so that the others could do their share. I knew the people I worked with didn’t mean to put me in this position and to leave me hanging when I asked for help and clarity. But it happens more frequently than one may expect, in a nearly invisible, subconscious way. You have to advocate for yourself in academia.

All things considered, my sense of confidence and competence has grown. It’s busy (ew), but I’m enjoying the intellectual challenges of my graduate courses and the energy of the people they attract. Math equations and statistical concepts are easier to grasp, and I’m starting to help others do the same. I don’t know if I’ve developed a better frame of mind or set of routines to manage myself, but I feel better than I did last year when I was a fresh graduate student. There’s a steadiness and reassuring consistency to the madness now. I still feel inadequate at times, but not entirely out of my depth. I think I’m right where I need to be, scrounging for knowledge and understanding – and a thesis project to work on – but not meaning.