Making friends
In coffee shops
A tweet of mine blew up recently. The last time something like this happened was over seven years ago, in response to a Quora question I answered. It was super fun reading through the comments and retweets! (My favorites: “men being wholesome is hot” and how this guy met his wife.) Someone DM’d me later asking for advice on how to approach strangers in general, with the hope of becoming friends. I kind of feel silly writing about this because what I’ll say is so simple and obvious to me (just talk to people and see what happens!—I know I know, not always easy), but that’s what I’ll elaborate on in this post.
I should start by saying that the perfect recipe for making friends doesn’t exist. You can go through all the prescribed motions of Friend-Finding correctly and still fail to develop the relationships you were hoping for. This is partly because it’s easier to meet people than it is to cultivate fulfilling relationships. Dating apps and social media caters to the former, while the latter requires more effort, courage, and a genuine interest in others. It’s also an art, one that is learned through practice and consistent social exposure. Coffee shops are a great, low-stakes place to start.
Coffee shops are home to people who feel comfortable enough to present themselves in public. This means that they are at least open to the possibility of a fleeting, informal connection—otherwise they would just stay at home. Yes, you’ll encounter the occasional person who wants to be left to their own devices. But everyone else is out and about because they enjoy the energy and social atmosphere of frequented coffee shops. This presents as an opportunity to connect with people.
If all of this is new to you, I would suggest becoming a regular at a coffee shop you like. It breeds familiarity with the space, which makes you feel more at home, but also with the baristas. They are your first point of contact every time you visit. You will interact with them the most. So get to know them! Establish rapport, give them a compliment here and there, banter a bit! It’s often the best and most interesting part of their job, getting to know people and listening to their various stories and anecdotes. Share and exchange some with them!
Additionally, regulars tend to befriend other regulars. They’ve been around each other enough that the odds of connecting are higher. It can be pleasurable just to see these people, and that may be all the fodder necessary to develop into something more, if it’s desired. These relationships may not become anything deeper, but they are crucial for creating a sense of community. In a sense then, they are very deep. They are foundational to your well-being.
So now you’re a regular. The baristas know your usual order and the other regulars know you by name. There is the occasional joke on your behalf, which you gladly accept because what better sign is there of comfort and friendship? This is great, and you can leave things as they are. But then a cute, intriguing stranger waltzes in, orders a double-shot of single-sourced espresso, and sits by your favorite spot. They pull out a book you’ve been meaning to read and dive into it right away. What’s your move?
Honestly, this is the easiest of stranger scenarios to work with. This is because there are many possible points to connect on. You can comment on their book; you can compliment their outfit; you can ask them about their choice of coffee. When I met the aforementioned friend at the beginning of this post, he was reading Satre’s Existentialism is a Humanism.
I’m not normally a reader of philosophy, but I tend to like the kind of people who are. So I asked him about the book and his interest in existentialism. This eventually led to an exchange of numbers. (Critical: you have to quickly follow-up with people who are potential friends.) The weekend after we went to another coffee shop and played together as wannabe intellectuals. The rest is history. Luck was certainly involved in the formation of our friendship, but this goes back to the benefits of being a regular. Simply by showing up consistently, you increase the likelihood of running into people who can become your close friends. Courage takes you the rest of the way.
People tend to present with less points to connect on than discussed in the scenario above, or they’re not at all obvious. Hence, the power of small talk.
Fulfilling relationships are a function of “vibing well together, across a wider range of frequencies, over time.” What I mean is, if a friend is someone with whom you have shared context and understanding with, then the most satisfying friendships tend to exist between people who resonate along multiple dimensions of their being. Their wholeness has been brought into view and is continually magnified by the other. This is a sign that the relationship is growing.
Small talk, then, is one way of detecting someone’s vibe. It helps you find and explore the potential frequencies along which you and another person may resonate on. Some degree of social skill and awareness is necessary to build up to true resonance, but usually it’s obvious when two people are vibing. The conversation flows smoothly; there is an abundance of banter and smiles, lightheartedness and laughter, comfort and touch in some cases; a kind of radiance emerges, as if two stars have momentarily become one. You don’t have to resonate intensely or immediately to become good friends with someone. But the possibility should be there, alongside the desire from all parties to become something more.
My particular friendship was based on a narrow interest in ideas. Now, a year later, we still play the same game, but the field has grown. There is room for both academic seriousness as well as boyish shenanigans. More often than not I feel that we are simply shooting the shit, and that is a good thing. I’m more relaxed and compassionate as a result, something that would never have emerged if our friendship remained rooted in something purely intellectual. We still get coffee every weekend. This could be you, truly.