30

Happy birthday to me

Hey! It’s my birthday today.

I had planned to write a longer piece on aging, wisdom, and some other things I’ve learned along the way to 30, but honestly I don’t really want to right now. What I want to do instead is train for my half-marathon, chat with my friends (both old and new, online and off), and read good books. I want to learn new things, write songs and poems, and practice the guitar seriously again. I want to simply participate in the world and see what happens when the page isn’t my focal point anymore.

Much of my interest in writing has been about becoming the kind of person who can write well. Put another way there’s less love in the process of it than I would like to admit, at least relative to other pursuits at the moment. Maybe I’m just trying to excuse myself from the effort required to produce the kind of works I admire and enjoy reading—I’ve looked up to writers for so long. But I’m also tired of operating from a place of needing to prove something, namely that I am interesting and worthy of good company only if I can write well. This was the crux of my personal operating system for the last few years. I’m growing up though and want instead to act solely out of wonder and curiosity. Where this has taken me as of late is to music, to conversation, to novels, to dancing, to people, even to coding and statistics again.

So off I go into other lands, for now. I’ll end on a letter I received today from a three-year younger version of myself. (P.S. Future Me is awesome!):

Dear Future Me,

If you’re reading this right now, happy birthday. You’re fucking 30. Three zero. At the forefront of a new decade in life. Yours. Pretty exciting right?

First, I hope that the whole coronavirus situation has been dealt with. Although it gave younger you (me) a lot more room to explore various creative pursuits in your free time (guitar, slacklining, rollerblading, etc), it has also been incredibly restrictive in the sense of knowing how the future will unfold. I am leaning into a sharp existential edge at the moment, questioning daily everything I had thought I ever wanted. I still want to travel wide and far for extended periods of time, live in foreign countries, have deep experiences, and so on, but it’s hard to imagine how I will do all of that when the world remains mired in so much uncertainty. These past few weeks in particular have been full of doubts about whether or not I’m on the right path being in the Complex Systems and Data Science program. I’ve been thinking a lot about clinical psychology again, but it doesn’t feel quite like what I want. It feels like I want to run.

Whatever you chosen, I hope the decision was made by answering a call to something interesting and exciting rather than a reaction based in fear. Maybe you’re biking across the country like you once said you would. Imagining it now excites the hell out of me. I hope you’re following your gut. Continue creating and sharing with others a life worth living, one you’ll someday write about and regale your children with. I know for certain that the existential questions will never leave you, but hopefully you’re better equipped to hold them in your mind than I currently am. Hopefully by then you’ll also have a greater sense of inner peace and self-compassion. I like to imagine that you’re rocking a new tattoo too.

If you’re dating anyone, show the lovely lady this letter, kiss her senselessly, and remember what drew you to her: hopefully her positive energy, her infectious laugh, her love of books, her independent and intelligent spirit, the way you can talk about anything with her while trying really hard not to lose yourself in her mesmerizing eyes. Someone kind and understanding, who pushes me to be the best version of myself. Someone you can just BE with. Remember too that great relationships are made in how you hold the tension between knowing and not knowing, distance and closeness, vulnerability and understanding. (And take any advice Younger You is giving with a grain of salt because he’s incredibly naive).

Wherever you’re at, I hope you’re happy and proud of what you are doing. It’s tough now, but things tend to have a way of working out for you, whether by sheer luck, grit, or your ability to find meaning in any situation. Tell the people in your life you love them. Especially S for being the voice of reason and unconditional acceptance, the rock who has been with you through every fumble of your adult life, the person who has set the bar high for what it means to be a true friend. Give yourself a hug. Happy birthday.