15: Letters Worth Czeching Out

I wrote these letters to my friend, Stepan, from the Czech Republic. Including them because they might help to create a better picture of my experience. He had joined M and I a few days before M left. These letters were written afterwards.

September 23, 2017

Hey it’s Phil.

I walked to Hontanas yesterday from Burgos (about 30 km). It’s a beautiful village worth staying at. Today I’m walking to Itero de Vega, about 21 km. Glad you’re on the go again, see you soon I’m sure, ultreya y suseya!

–Phil

Hey, thats where Im heading today :) yeah, Im on the way but still not feeling well, hope it wont get worse, cheewing garlic all day, poor pilgrims I meet :) see ya.

–Stepan

I walked 32 km today to Fromista… not sure why but really didn’t like the town before it so I walked further. Also, I got your text but not M’s, so I will email her. If you could let her know that I can’t receive her texts, that’d be cool.

Yesterday it hit me like a wrecking ball that she wasn’t here anymore… sorta felt shitty and then – no joke – climbed to the top of a hill in my melancholy state, almost cried, then just started talking to the sky and myself, letting out my grievances… and then the weight was lifted. As if I had finally accepted it. That’s the simple version :)

I watched the sunset alone. Wasn’t the same of course, but the beautiful thing about sunsets is that they are always beautiful.

I feel ready to keep moving. Met a Korean Priest walking from Burgos who pointed me in the right direction. Told me that life doesn’t always give an immediate answer to things.

Feeling good. Feet sore but not too bad. Gonna slow down tomorrow. See you soon.

ultreya y suseya,

–Phil

I got to Hontanas and a fever knocked me out. Took a private room and thinking of staying for couple of days and see if I’ll recover. Just watched the sunset here. You’re right, it’s always beautiful. even when watching it alone has no sense as when shared. Prayed in a little chapel of st. Bridget at the beginning of the village for pilgrims and for M. She’s the only thing I can think about. Without her it is so empty. I’ve got a long way ahead to myself and learning a lot of things. You’re not alone in doubts, questions and all the things, dont worry bro. I got all crazy about doing The Key, to Muxia and Fisterra, I planted it in my brain so deep, felt like without it the whole camino would go in vain. Now I maybe hallucinating because of fever, but somehow I feel for a moment I stopped seeing the way and saw only the destination, I was so wrong, it’s like camino through my body is telling me to slow down and enjoy the way, for the way itself is the destination. Got to go far behind the village to get some data signal, for their wifi is not working, nor data, strange. If I was silent for couple of days it means I have no internet connection and strength to seek some :)

Don’t be afraid to walk alone, for you’re never alone on camino. Even if you make no other friends, there are the ones you’ve already made. And don’t fear to ask yourself questions for it means that there are things yet to be asked and solved and this is what we have to do in our lives. Searching for answers is sometimes better and more giving than finding answers.

Ultreya y suseya.

Stepan.

September 25, 2017

Hey Stepan,

I’m keeping you in my thoughts daily and am wishing you a speedy recovery. This too is a part of the journey.

Every new day continues to bring something wonderful and new. Two days ago, I had dinner with some older Americans. They enjoyed hearing my youthful stories. One of them even took my picture and had sent it to my mother… it was pretty hilarious. And unexpectedly, they paid for my dinner! I was so grateful for their company and kindness.

Yesterday I stayed at Albergue Santa Maria in a nice little town called Carrion de los Condes (would recommend staying there). I saw Gale there too.

At night, there were nuns who started singing and playing music in my albergue. They sang a Spanish version of Hallelujah, it was incredible. Then they sang a song in Japanese! I think it surprised everyone – it definitely surprised me. It’s a beautiful language. This was truly one of the best nights. I am excited because we still have so many days ahead. It’s up to us to find the magic in each moment and in every step along the way.

As I walk, my sense of love for the world grows deeper. I hope you’re continuing to grow each day on the Camino. This place… this road… the Way… it’s magic.

Looking forward to hearing from ya.

Oh, one final thing:

I wrote this thing about shadows today. Thought you might like it (this happened to be the first draft of 9: An Ode to the Road):

Each and every day, I wake and walk with the sun behind me. It starts low, climbing over hillsides, rising slowly. It finds its temporary place along the sky, and begins to color the Meseta.

Front and center a shadow grows. It looks at me with indifference, a mirror of my darker side – fear, insecurity, doubt; The manifestation of my inner demons.

Each and every day, I wake and walk to confront these demons. However, if I fight and struggle, I hurt and suffer. If I push it away, I push myself away. I cannot hide, I cannot run, I can only bear witness.

My only salvation is to turn away from the sun. Dare I do it? The shadow turns abyss, an immediate apocalypse. No. To turn from the sun is to turn from the truth; I would be swallowed whole.

My shadow is here, my shadow is me. As long as I walk the Way, it will keep me company.

I must not be afraid I must not close my eyes I must continue on every day, chasing the rising to dawn.

Each and every day, I wake and walk towards Santiago. The closer I get, the lighter I feel. In front of me the sun hangs low, peering over hillsides, descending slowly. The color fades from the Meseta, and my shadow is behind me.

Westward lies Santiago. I look. The sun has set, the dark has settled. A fire is growing deep inside. It lights the valley and shows the Way. I wake and walk towards the Light, Closer and closer to Santiago.

Ultreia y suseia (always higher, always further, the nuns mentioned this phrase)

–Phil

Hey P. So excited to read your experiences and walk to yourself. I am so happy for you bro, you deserve all the truth and acceptance coming to you. But your final observation, that’s a hard one really, sooo striking, true and beautiful. It’s like you’re stealing these words from the deepest of my soul. That’s exactly what I was telling M. in different words… it is amazing how you let Camino talk to you and teach you, that’s because you’re sensitive and special. There’s not enough people like this on this world… never stop being yourself, never start pretending to fulfill others’ expectations. Keep on walking the Camino till your very death, always on a search for better and deeper and insightful you…

Right now I see no shadow as I am not walking, it’s like my shadow has conquered my mind and my soul, got me trapped in the middle of my fear and when I can’t see it it’s more difficult to face it and fight it, even impossible to accept it. I feel like home, so eager to make changes yet so far away of actually doing it.. I’ll take one more day of this helplessness and then I will need to decide what next. I wish to continue, but it suddenly feels so distant and my soul feels empty.. at least I have my heart filled again and that’s a true Camino miracle to me…

Walk it step by step Philip and watch out for signs, even the small ones…

–Stepan

September 29, 2017

Hey Stepan,

Hope you’re feeling more of yourself and on the move again. How have the past days been? What did you decide to do? How’s the fever? What have you learned?

I’m in Astorga right now. I’ve been walking a lot more lately - 37km, 24km and another 32km today. Feel like I should slow down, I feel too focused on reaching places instead of being a part of the journey. Life here is feeling more ‘normal’, so it’s harder to find the magic, but not impossible. I still look forward to each new day and to what it will bring. All of my recent joys have been through little moments – shooting stars, seeing people I haven’t seen in awhile, meeting new people who present new perspectives. The idea of teaching in Spain has been playing in my mind, especially after Leon and Astorga. We’ll see what happens.

Santiago is getting closer. Which means less time on Camino. I do feel a bit afraid of ‘returning’ to normal life.

Anyways, hope to hear from you soon.

Warm blessings,

Phil

Hey mate. Went to see a doctor in Castrojeriz, got ATB for really nasty bronchitis and stayed few more days, coughing my lungs out :) it was today’s morning when I braced up, said fuck the illness, this is my Camino, ATB will do their job and I shall do mine and that is walking. Made it to Poblacion de Campos and I’m on the go again. I recalled Gale saying if I break my leg I’ll continue on my knee if I break my knee I’ll crawl.. laughed and said to myself that I don’t need to finish it, I just want to.. it was tough since I decided at 9:30 :) and then got all the sun along the way and indescribable amount of dust, but got a shower now and it doesn’t feel that bad.

I’ve met really great and caring hospitaleros in Castrojeviz, they were making me ginger tea for free and we were talking about running an albergue as a business, several wise insights.. also the doctor was great, no English but so caring and willing to help that we finally found understanding.

You’re far ahead and almost running, I see.. you still got plenty of time uh? Maybe slowing down is a good idea, unluckily for me I cannot afford it if I want to make it to Santiago as 15th Oct. is my flight back.

In Castrojeriz I stumbled upon an interesting place, a hospital for soul, it was a house of some yogi man who lives there, but anyone can come in and rest, each room being a true sanctuary with paintings and quotes and places to sit, spiritual music playing silently, half color light half shadows. Behind the house was a true zen garden with sparkling water basin.. really a piece of peace.. I especially liked one quote saying “walking on the water is not a miracle, the miracle is walking on the earth” and it felt so fitting on the Camino.

Do not expect a miracle or magic on every kilometer on the Camino. All the miracles are already within ourselves, the Camino is just a revelation, opening our inner eyes. It is a way of ordinary people, for everyone can walk it and experience something different, so it is perfectly ok if it sometimes feels normal. And you’re right Camino will always be your part and you can benefit from it forever. Teaching in Spain?:) what happened to the Czech republic :))

Always higher, always further,

Stepan.

September 30, 2017

Man, so happy to get your email. Glad you’re still on the Camino and kicking ass one step at a time. I’m sure you’ll be back to full strength sooner rather than later. It’s actually Gael by the way. Like Guy-El. Had a funny dinner with him in Leon. He taught me a lot and wouldn’t take no for an answer when he offered me half his food. “You help make my pack lighter”. Really kind and genuine guy.

I think I will keep my pace as that will allow me to reach FinisTerra. Meeting a lot of people who plan to go there and say it has its own magic. Met an amazing American woman who works as a therapist. She told me the whole story of why the Camino exists.. with St James and all that. Inspiring. She reminded me of an experience I had: “The Camino will give you everything you need, but not always everything you want.” At that point in time, I was feeling phased out – my head wasn’t in the game. Perhaps the Meseta had taken a toll on my body and mind. But today, walking through Galicia, I felt much more at home. The trees are a deep green and the mountains are refreshing. I then remembered one of my favorite poems and recited it in my head. And I don’t know why or how, but once again, a weight was lifted. I felt reborn. The past few days my body has become much stronger. I now feel little to no pain. I am so grateful for this new sense of physical strength.

Continuing to meet all the necessary people along the way. And also receiving the necessary solitude too. I find so much joy and contentment in my solo walks now. It feels as if I were walking for the first time on the Camino again.

Glad to hear from you. I’ll probably be in Santiago on 9 or 10 of October. Got a good feeling about it, but not setting expectations. Still trying to enjoy each and every day. Can’t believe I’ve been here for 3 weeks.

See ya soon I’m sure.

–P

October 5, 2017

Been receiving your texts but unable to reply for whatever reason.

Glad you’re ok after going off-roading ;) whether it’s a miracle or coincidence or luck is a matter of how you want to see it. For me it’s a miracle. But don’t expect it to happen often. Just being real.

Are you walking barefoot now? I’m not even crazy even to try it (on my first Camino… next time for sure.

I’m in Gonzar… less than 90km from Santiago. It feels surreal. Walked 31 today because I just love the Camino and this region. Letting whatever comes come, feelings and everything else. Slowing way down though. Walking 9 KM tomorrow to a well-reputed donativo tomorrow.

–P

Hi there, I’m in Astorga. Have made over 190 over the last 6 days and it is a deadly pace, keeping me busy all day long, not exactly what I wanted.. I wish I had more time, I’d slow down to 20 a day to have time to visit churches, sit in the cafes and smell the roses :) did you meet David before Astorga? The hermit living in the ruins offering pilgrims free fruit and all the drinks? I wish I could have spent there all the afternoon.. met some hippie pilgrims there and two of them czech:) it was fun to speak czech for the first in a month…

Doing like 33 really takes me all day so I’m always the last pilgrim of the day.. three days ago (that day with the raven and police) I did regular 34 of Camino plus those 7 off the track meaning 41 and arriving to Bercianos del real camino at 19h. Wanted to stay at a parroquial albergue but it was full, hospitallero laughed at me, gave me water and some fruits and told me I had 3 options.. another private albergue or a bar with accommodation or another town 7.5km further.. I felt like fainting.. went to the other albergue.. full too.. so went to the bar, it had only private rooms and only one left.. man I have never taken out those 30euros from my pocket that quick :)) had a shower and dinner and then at 21h went back to the parroquial albergue for there was supposed to be some evening ceremony.. entering the building, I saw hospitallero taking in two Russians… I was literally like WTF?! Anyways went to the ceremony and it felt so rubbish, all the faces somehow empty.. man I was so pissed and felt so lonely that night.. but I guess that’s a part of the Camino too..

No I am not walking barefoot that was just a joke for the next pilgrims. I bought new pair of shoes for the adidas were really killing me causing blisters underneath blisters.. but now I am doing first 15 in the new shoes and other 15 in sandals with my socks on and it is actually great.. freedom to the feet :) enjoy the rest of the journey, I’ll be in Santiago on 14th..

I totally get the surreal feeling..

Stepan

October 7, 2017

Hi mate how’s your Camino? Gonna be in Santiago tomorrow or so? Wish you all the best.. hope it will be the best moment of your life.. and that’s just the beginning of an endless row of best days…

Stepan

Hey, looks like you’re having fun in the photo! I’m glad.

Yes, I will be in Santiago around noon or so. I… I feel a plethora of emotions… sadness that it will soon be over, joy and gratitude for having been on this journey, love that I’ve met so many amazing people. I don’t know if I can sleep tonight. It’s as if a knot has tied itself a million times over in my stomach. That’s partly why I haven’t written much. Already started tearing up walking through Arzua thinking about it today, about the memories, the people, the personal breakthroughs. Not sure what to expect. I have no expectations. Whatever happens I hope to have the strength to let it be free and expressed. Met a wonderful pair of brother and sister today. They gave me strength, especially the brother. Amazing because even though he’s 49, I’ve never felt so at ease with an older guy. He’s young in spirit. Made a deep connection walking with him after his sister had to take a taxi due to knee issues. Talked about love, the magic of the Camino, life lessons. He shared a secret with me… one that he only has ever told to his sister. Really made me feel special… said he felt a kinship with me. Honestly, it felt like I was walking with an older version of myself, a much wiser man yet we shared so much in common – quiet, reserved, calm. Can’t even describe it, he was really who I needed at that moment.

Anyways I’m doing… I’m doing. Ready to walk, ready and not ready for Santiago. I will do it alone, but knowing that I’m never truly alone. It is the gift the Camino has given me – a love that allows me to walk with joy, even in solitude. Thanks for checking in. The timing is perfect. I hope you’re well. I would be lying if I didn’t want you guys with me at Santiago. But this is the gift, this is what Camino is asking me to do, and I accept the invitation.

Something tells me I will be better for it. Also, I have a feeling that I will see everyone again.

–Phil

I am happy for you bro and I shall walk with you tomorrow to Santiago in my thoughts. I couldn’t be more happier if we arrived there the three of us. But that would be what I’d want too… and Camino gives you only what your soul need, not what you want, remember?;)

It is a gift, yet deserved. You have walked your camino humbly with your heart open and with joy, a true pilgrim, not some kind of a tourist that it seems I get to meet these days..

so do it again, walk with your heart open and embrace whatever comes your way.. I am sure it will be good.

I have one last week of walking and cannot deny that I’m too starting to think about the approaching end and feeling fears of getting back to the grey of old life… what if no change comes.. no, that’s not gonna happen. I will make changes and I won’t think about it till the end of my camino and will walk it more humbly too. I am so glad that I can still be here.. that I stopped only to start over and not to quit..

Well, camino’s still calling… and we shall answer this call.

Wish you the greatest walk ever though I am not gonna see your eyes when you get there.. but I’ll see them another time.

–Stepan