Microposts

Took a salsa and bachata lesson today - it was so fun! I really had a great time and definitely want to come back. Had a nice day with Karen. Watched a documentary about a woman who rehabiltates hummingbirds in Los Angeles. Aside from this, life still feels a little empty during down moments. Been really trying to fill my life up, making slow and steady changes.
2025-01-11 | 21:05
I wish I had someone to get coffee with this morning. Every morning, in fact, lol. I need a wife. Why don’t I just ask Karen to get coffee with me? I can do that. I’d also like more friends to do that with.
2025-01-11 | 08:23
A lot of good stuff today. I finished creating this blog. I finished my piece on the joys of math. I chatted with Alyona in the morning. Life is feeling pretty good. Lots of learning and creating and connection. <3
2025-01-10 | 19:17
Now that this project is coming to a close (creating the blog) I am left again with this uncertainty, and a bit of emptiness, regarding the state of my life. “What next?” Karen thinks I need to be more ambitious, the idea being that people who have clear passions are more focused and busy and happy. And yeah, there’s a truth to that, but this uncertainty is part of the process. Rather than try to escape it, I am allowing it just to be, to prompt my reflections. I’ve been very engaged creating this blog with the help of Claude. I’m not programming per say, but I am making something, which has been enjoyable. Do I want to learn more programming? I think so. I enjoy it enough when I’m doing it. So many directions to go with it though. What do I want to keep learning? I think it makes sense to learn more “data” stuff if I want another job since I can build on top of what I know and the work is relevant to what I enjoy. That said, I’m not really sure where to start. Machine learning? Finding AI applications? That would connect to my budding interest in math. I don’t quite know what it is all for, and maybe that’s okay. It’s okay to embrace the discovery.
2025-01-09 | 16:10

COMPASSION EXERCISE

Instructions: This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc.). It should be done on strangers, unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person. Expected results are a personal sense of peace.

STEP 1. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.

STEP 2. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.

STEP 3. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.

STEP 4. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.

STEP 5. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is learning about life.

2025-01-09 | 00:07
I’m less idealistic about love, and somehow I find that more romantic. It means I can actually be there for people in a sustainable way. I can love more fully when I put aside my pre-conceptions of what love should be and embrace what is.
2025-01-07 | 23:44
The updated blog is coming along… it still feels like it’s missing something though, an aesthetic. Something warm and cozy. It feels so plain. But most of the functionality is there. Thank you Claude for helping me create this, lol. I want to limit microposts to 20 per page. Additionally, I need to update images so that they fit properly in the central container.
2025-01-07 | 23:37
You ever get the urge just to start running out of sheer joy? Kids do this all the time - well that’s what I was doing just now lol, sometimes life just fills your veins and the only proper response is to let it do what it wants with you. Also the light was hitting just right :)
2025-01-07 | 23:34
On fast love vs slow love by mylene mae. She discovers the word “emophilia”, which essentially describes people who like the emotions involved with falling in love fast, lol. I’ve been there! “There’s a difference between cramming for an exam versus fully understanding the subject.”
2025-01-06 | 18:23
Okay, the more I learn to code, the more I think to myself why don’t I just build on top of what I already know and like - i.e. coding and stuff related to data and the like? I don’t need to learn how to build apps, etc. I like the idea of it, but I don’t think I like it as much as someone who’s a devoted web dev, for instance. Do I want to learn? Eh, somewhat. I know enough to fool around. But do I want to commit to mastery? Not really… I just don’t enjoy web dev’ing, and that’s okay.
2025-01-06 | 16:06
Learning how to stay with the uncertainty of not knowing, while working towards knowing, is a skill. Alexey Guzey says more, comparing his 2013 self to his 2023 self (see this image).
2025-01-06 | 10:32
Listening to Dr. K with Reckful (rip) has me wondering if my search for direction and desire to help others is just a way of avoiding myself, being with my frustrated, lonely self. Dr. K says that the source of Reckful’s depression may not actually be clinical (it may be), but that his life is empty. Elaborating on that, he says that everything Reckful does is an attempt to escape himself. The problem is that he gets really good at what captures his interest, and then the pursuit stops. Getting good means finishing something, and returning to himself. Is that the desire to become a therapist for me? So I can focus on others and not feel what I feel? Is all of this a desire to escape my life? Hence why the fantasizing, the dreaming, the yearning but lack of desire to take real steps? Ugh. Do I not like who I am? Yeah… I’m learning how to accept and love all of me…
2025-01-01 | 19:01
Heidi Priebe: “The tricky thing about healing our narcissistic parts is that it means giving up the redemption fantasies that, for most of our lives, may have served as our strongest defenses against depression.” Redemption fantasies: that I will meet the LOML and things will just work; that someone out there will save me from doing the work from saving myself; that there is some perfect condition/situation/relationship waiting to pop onto my lap.
2024-12-30 | 19:04
For some reason reading this article is making me think about Howards End and the recent conversations I’ve had with my longtime childhood friends. This friend is a practical person. He’s been this way for as long as I’ve known him. Never exactly prone to dreaminess or emotions, even though I see glimmers of a certain sadness covered by exhaustion at times. It feels like he’s in constant maintenance mode, juggling one obligation to the next ranging from his work to his relationship, toys (watches, cars, outdoor gear), and hobbies. We talked about camping and how much he desires seclusion. I gather from this that he is tired, just wants some time to rest and relax. I feel it in the way he talks - with regard towards numbers, status, etc. (Why can’t I remember exactly what he said? I want to focus in on specifics more often, point things out to people. “You know, I’ve noticed that you often talk about X in Y way… do you notice that? I’m just curious!”) All of this makes me think about Henry from Howards End. He’s a business man through and through, has no sense of the romance, or maybe a glimmer of it, once he meets Margaret. She’s the one who saves him, preserves some sense of the sacred, as manifest in the way she feels when in Howards End. Forster has a clear sense of values. The text verges on the didactic at some points. But the writing is so beautiful that you can’t help but sense a truth there. And there really is a truth there. It’s a truth that my friends seem to miss. I think we’re all going through it actually, some of us more aware than others, of the loss of a certain youth, of something passing by, “time.” But time is a cover-up for everything that we haven’t yet seen. Perhaps we keep ourselves busy not to look at it, this giant wave that is coming for all of us, that we are a part of and cannot escape from, no matter how far into the woods we go.
2024-12-30 | 12:01