Last night, on the subway ride back to my apartment, I was overcome by the deep desire to lovingly attend to everything and everyone around me. I wanted to bring attention to all the fine details of people’s faces, the missed every day moments, the aesthetic qualities and pure suchness of all things and phenomenon and sensations that I will ever come across. I want to be like an open vessel, listening, receiving, being impressed by the world. This kind of work is the work of looking, of quieting the mind and opening one’s heart. I wanted to have the ability to draw people’s faces, to describe without interpretation what was happening, every last detail in the subway.
Microposts
I’m in the monthly CAPS meeting right now. The conversation being had is sharply bringing to reality the power and impact of language and the necessity of understanding history to make sense of the present moment. We work in a context where language is used to represent and enable healthcare for people. The fact that we’re discussing how to change our language in service of this goal reflects the current predicament. This is exactly what we were experimenting with last night at the attention lab. I really want to dive into the ways that language is used in culture, and how it’s connected to tyranny. Maybe it’s time to read some Wittgenstein and Snyder’s “On Tyranny”.
Dzog’chen movement this morning was great. I felt more clarity and spaciousness after practicing the movements with the others. It’s a small group, mostly full of familiar faces. It was a little difficult getting up in the morning (I laid in bed watching old videos I’d made) but I’m glad I made it. It’s a beautiful practice. I went to get a burrito afterwards, and went to the bookstore to check out a recommendation by Katie from the Strother School, Staying with the Trouble. Maybe it was my racing mind, or intellectual insecurity, but I couldn’t quite connect to the contents of the book. If I really want to read it, I’m going to have to slow down and read it slowly as intended. I’d like to read it, as I think the themes are relevant and interesting. The cover is also lovely. But I don’t think I’m deeply interested. Not really feeling up for reading The Republic right now, either.
Steady progress on understanding The Republic. It takes me a few focused sessions to understand like 2-3 pages lol. Which is fine. This stuff is unironically hard! Also, it’s a funny realization to see that I spend a lot of my time ruminating about what I should be doing, rather than just doing stuff, but also that, I doo too much stuff. It’s no wonder I feel disconnected from myself and my desires and feelings sometimes, as Jay mirrored to me. The goal for this week is to simply give myself more idle time.
Gym in the morning. Listened to lecture 6 of Ukrainian history. Almost done with Math Foundations I. Working through JS tutorial. Finished book I of Plato’s Republic. Was a bit sad between, but it feels good to make progress on these things, bit by bit. I signed up for some sidewalk studies with SoRA and a book club meeting in three weeks.
A video (Sad Girl Days Are Over) I need to watch over and over again. The density of goodness in this is so high. “I don’t think there’s a choice to not be sad, but there is a choice to be happy.”
A relevant comment: “You know whats weird? Alot of the time, I’ll end up THINKING that im miserable. Thinking of bad memories etc… but then i ask myself how i feel. (I end up having to ask myself that because i actually tend to ignore my emotions) And when i focus on how i actually FEEL rather than my thoughts. I realize Im actually comfortable and perfectly happy. The bad ‘feelings’ were coming from my thoughts and not my feelings.”
Structure of problematic stories often held and employed by imperialist nations: times were better before (Garden of Eden); now there is a problem (fall from grace); there is a solution, namely to somehow get back to the original state (God). Make America Great Again: America was once a place free of problems!; now we’re full of problems (and they’re caused by the other party!); follow me and I will make things better again (return to garden). Marxism has a different focus: people rather than state of the nation. The people once lived in harmony prior to technology and private property (Garden of Eden); then technology (loosely speaking) and private property got introduced (problem); abolish technology and private property and our problems will be solved (back to Eden).
A strange thing about my mind these days is that I can feel what it feels like for my mind to narrativize. It’s probably the result of my meditation practice. An interesting effect of this is that therapy can feel more difficult at times. The assumption I have is that there should be a story or root-cause to my struggles, which could be true. But maybe not. The narratives are less important than what they bring up, though they are linked. What tends to be more helpful is “hitting on” an emotion. Once the emotions are felt and held the narratives become less sticky, less useful as compasses to navigate the world with, less important to hang onto. More energy naturally follows, which is maybe why I feel more present, engaged, and happier recently. I’m reminded of that Joan Didion quote: “we tell ourselves stories in order to live.” It’s a description of what we do to live, but Rachel Aviv correctly notes In Strangers to Ourselves that those same stories can end up trapping us, too. A lesson from history might be relevant here: we seek to understand the past so that we can focus on the present and future. Yes some of us tell ourselves stories to live, but it is not necessary to live your life as a story to have lived.
Talked about the pressure to find purpose in therapy today, how it takes away from my exploration and enjoyment of things. Taking the example of my recent interest in Ukrainian history, what I initially felt after finishing a lecture was a kind of emptiness. I didn’t have a larger sense of what my efforts were connected to, no overarching purpose other than following my curiosity. For some reason this doesn’t seem good enough to my mind. My efforts have to mean something more, according to my thought patterns. Why so? Hard to say, really. I’ve felt this purpose-pressure for so long now, mostly from myself. It’s the water I swam in, and I’m just starting to step out of it. A guess is that having a sense of purpose will resolve the pain of idleness and directionlessness I’ve felt for so long. But why is idleness and directionlessness so distressing? Why is it not enough to follow my curiosities? There’s a feeling that I have to “be somebody”, particularly somebody smart and interesting so that I can keep the attention of others. What does that attention lead to? Love I suppose. Yeah. And a sense that the way I’m spending my time matters, which is equated to productivity. I have to produce something tangible with what I consume. Ironic considering I’m learning about history and Ukraine from Timothy Snyder, who authored On Tyranny. My mind has been its own tyrant! He needs some jester energy. Serious-play. We also talked about a time when I got really heated at a party a year or two ago for holding a view that was opposite of what my friends thought. I often want to be right, or at least have my views acknowledged, even if disagreed with. It wasn’t fun feeling like an outsider. This is my own sensitivity, rather than a reflection of how my friends actually felt about me. I also hated feeling dumb, even though I knew my concerns were valid and rooted in some research articles I had read (regarding unconditional praise in a classroom setting). I’m glad I got to move through that. Otherwise I was pretty engaged today. Did some math, watched another lecture on the making of modern Ukraine, read War & Peace. Tolstoy actually has a sense of humor. Really peaceful day overall.
Something I want to continuously track: how my analytical mind often creates doubt that wasn’t present during direct experience.
I got some good sleep last night. Today I worked out in the morning, meditated, read “On Freedom”, and started Timothy Snyder’s lectures on the making of modern Ukraine. Surprisingly I found it really interesting. The lecture touched on questions like what is history and how might you begin to understand the formation of a nation like Ukraine? There was a distinction between the objective and subjective components of history, one being related to the context (geography, policies, etc) and the other relating to a person’s personality and inner life. Both are constantly in tension and must be accounted for to understand history. Additionally there was emphasis on human agency and unpredictability. One can never predict what will happen even if you have all the information of the past, says Snyder. My motivation for the course has to do with the fact that I know someone from Ukraine. But I also find the country itself has an appeal despite not knowing much about it. It may be the understanding of a people that most interests me. Snyder later talks about the language of authoritarians like Putin and how countries like Russia use language to control people. Putin is espousing the myth that Russia and Ukraine were never separate, as indicated by the title of “On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians.” This title is subtly insidious for multiple reasons. Historical unity implies that there was a unity to begin with. Also the word “On” suggests that whatever follows exists and is real. The implication is that things could not have been different. Hence it is natural for Russia to seek reunification with Ukraine, to bring things back to the true order, “the way things should be.” Yet history is something that continuously changes; it goes against the notion of historical unity, since there is no way that anything should be. There are merely various decisions and factors at play. Nothing had to be the way it is, Snyder argues.
Had a really nice weekend. Highlights: Dzog’chen movement, SoRA facilitator training, attention lab, hanging with Karen, reading On Freedom. I really enjoy engaging in rich, intellectual, experiential conversations. Attention is something fun to play with. What it really is involves experimentation, and seeing what happens.
Been really enjoying “On Freedom” by Timothy Snyder. A certain degree of unpredictability is a feature of free societies, not a bug. This is because the most free people are free enough to pursue what they value most, which is inherently personal and infinitely varied. Put a bunch of free people doing this together and you will generate some chaos. This is naturally threatening to those who seek to preserve the old order. That’s not to say the old order is necessarily bad, just that things are always open to change when people are enabled to be free. The opposite is a predictable society, which is essentially the same as one that is controlled, one that is dead. The youth cannot be youths, the adults stuck in stagnation.
It is strange to feel so rudderless. One of the questions on the NYC Zen care application asks if anything will interfere with fulfilling the nine-month commitment to the training “such as family obligations, plans for relocation, financial concerns, physical limitations, travel, professional or educational commitments, and/or other concerns.” The question I’m hung up on is plans for relocation. Right now at least, I’m feeling uncertain about staying in NYC. It’s not so much NYC, I think, as it is my sense of connectedness and commitment to any place, anywhere. I don’t feel at home in myself! I don’t know what I want to choose yet! The possibility is there. It comes from simply choosing. But it is not always simple to choose. I know I don’t have to stay in NYC forever if I don’t want to. I know how I currently feel (the anchorless, lost feeling) is coloring my thoughts. Still, it’s hard.
So I’ve realized that learning new tech for its own sake (web dev, AI, etc) doesn’t really work for me. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for 21 days. I learn better when there’s an outcome in mind, which is fine. There’s other things that capture my attention. I’ve known this for awhile, and yet I keep trying to muscle through it. Truth is I have all the tech and tools I need to know. What’s missing is… a goal, purpose, something to work towards.
“IRL societies and interests only go on existing because people show up to do them.” Participation as a way to celebrate a thing’s importance, to keep it alive. This is so important to contrast with participation for the sake of performance. Great interview on modern commitment and relatedness with Mary Harrington.
Depresso in my espresso. Back in therapy again. Felt more productive. We were on the verge on something important. I could tell because I was getting a bit choked up at the mention of some things. Jay’s good. Certain actions don’t resolve the recurring thoughts and moods. I keep learning more tech stuff like web development (not interested) and AI (no application), expecting it to, but it doesn’t. I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do. My mood has been going downhill a bit. The loneliness is getting hard. Feeling really bad. Perhaps this is part of the process. Seeing what’s always been here. Maybe that’s why I stopped therapy the first time. Too painful not to have immediate resolution. I can’t run anymore.
Felt like I had manic energy last night. Couldn’t sleep until 2am. Stayed up reading various things, ending with Sally Rooney’s Intermezzo. Karen’s right: it is really good. The language, initially, takes some getting used to. What I mean is it’s colloquial. It sort of feels like text messages being strung together, at least in the first chapter on Peter. I think this makes it all the more relatable though. You can see yourself more easily in the story. Not that it’s difficult. I wondered though why she chose to write like this. And then I got my answer in chapter 2. The language reflects the interiority of her central characters.
Ivan I find relatable. I don’t think about the same things like he does, but anyone who has some degree of social anxiety mixed with an intellectual bent can probably see themselves in his mind. If EM Forster urged us to “only connect”, then Rooney explores how this is difficult, all the ways we try and fail and sometimes succeed. Language is limited; what else is being said between two people?
In How to Be Single and Happy the author notes that venting to others can become a deeper form of rumination. It’s a vicious cycle because you may start to believe that no one is there for you, when in fact the opposite is true. They have been there for you, hence why their limit has been reached. The focus should be to break the cycle of rumination. What helps is: recognizing that venting is not actually making you feel better (anymore), and engaging in things that bring you beyond yourself. By doing so you break the negative loops that are driving your mood, which literally puts your pain in perspective, thus making you feel better. This is different from avoiding your feelings. It’s an acknowledgement that remaining in your negative thought loops isn’t helpful, and acting in accordance.
Forgiveness by Maria Popova.
The missing has begun. I was really yearning for company this morning. Sad to say that Karen was the only person I really had to share relaxing mornings with. I want to get coffee and ponder poetry with people. People who I can walk around the park with afterwards, to lazily wander the day away.
This gives me an idea: I want to put up some flyers to find people to do these things with. We could meet at Balkan Grind - or anywhere, really. The point is to reflect and contemplate on a short text or poem, and to walk around and chat afterwards. I’d like to be close enough to these people to cook together, spend time together in the same household, same room.
I’m reading a book called How to be Single and Happy (corny title I know). It’s actually solid though. There’s an emphasis on learning how to be with the difficult feelings that come up after a break-up, i.e. mindfulness. I don’t like the language of “focusing” on what’s here because mindfulness feels more like acknowledgement and release to me. It’s less active than “focusing” implies. There’s an alertness involved, and a degree of concentration, but not a strained effort. Overall though the message is clear. You can enjoy your life and be happy, regardless of your relationship status. The author offers tools to deal with common thought patterns that can lead to overly emotional reasoning, which gets in the way of this. She’s not at all arguing against emotions or relationships, just the ways that we disengage from our lives waiting for happness to arrive at some point in the future. Even then, even if Ms. Perfect arrived at your doorstep, would you be able to appreciate and cherish them? Your life doesn’t have to be near perfect, but you can suffer a lot less by seizing to wait before your life can be enjoyed. It is enjoyable, right here and now.
Feeling a little tired today. Came across this list and it’s making me think about my own ins and outs. Roughly, in: doing, humor, people, speaking my mind, fiction. Out: ruminating, excessive solitude, people pleasing, philosophy.
I sense that while I do want to make external changes in my life to feel better, much of the work I have to do is inner. It’s really about accepting who I am, showing up as that person, and building self-trust. What Greg said the other day: the work is learning to love and accept yourself while still recognizing that there may be some things that you’d like to change about yourself.
I smile and tear up a lot whenever I see and think about kids. Man, I really want kids. And I want to get my act together so I can have kids. What would that entail? Do I need a job I like? I think that my “next job” I’ll be ready. I’m not so sure about that though. I’m not sure what I’m aiming for. I’ve been exploring programming lately, which has been okay. I feel I get most excited though when talking and connecting to people, discussing ideas, exploring and learning. Perhaps I am in the best situation I’ll ever be in terms of freedom. I really ought to talk to someone that can help me plan my life a bit more, or at least develop a vision.
Took a salsa and bachata lesson today - it was so fun! I really had a great time and definitely want to come back. Had a nice day with Karen. Watched a documentary about a woman who rehabiltates hummingbirds in Los Angeles. Aside from this, life still feels a little empty during down moments. Been really trying to fill my life up, making slow and steady changes.
I wish I had someone to get coffee with this morning. Every morning, in fact, lol. I need a wife. Why don’t I just ask Karen to get coffee with me? I can do that. I’d also like more friends to do that with.
A lot of good stuff today. I finished creating this blog. I finished my piece on the joys of math. I chatted with Alyona in the morning. Life is feeling pretty good. Lots of learning and creating and connection. <3
Now that this project is coming to a close (creating the blog) I am left again with this uncertainty, and a bit of emptiness, regarding the state of my life. “What next?” K thinks I need to be more ambitious, the idea being that people who have clear passions are more focused and busy and happy. And yeah, there’s a truth to that, but this uncertainty is part of the process. Rather than try to escape it, I am allowing it just to be, to prompt my reflections. I’ve been very engaged creating this blog with the help of Claude. I’m not programming per say, but I am making something, which has been enjoyable. Do I want to learn more programming? I think so. I enjoy it enough when I’m doing it. So many directions to go with it though. What do I want to keep learning? I think it makes sense to learn more “data” stuff if I want another job since I can build on top of what I know and the work is relevant to what I enjoy. That said, I’m not really sure where to start. Machine learning? Finding AI applications? That would connect to my budding interest in math. I don’t quite know what it is all for, and maybe that’s okay. It’s okay to embrace the discovery.
COMPASSION EXERCISE
Instructions: This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc.). It should be done on strangers, unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person. Expected results are a personal sense of peace.
STEP 1. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.
STEP 2. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.
STEP 3. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.
STEP 4. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.
STEP 5. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: Just like me, this person is learning about life.
I’m less idealistic about love, and somehow I find that more romantic. It means I can actually be there for people in a sustainable way. I can love more fully when I put aside my pre-conceptions of what love should be and embrace what is.
The updated blog is coming along… it still feels like it’s missing something though, an aesthetic. Something warm and cozy. It feels so plain. But most of the functionality is there. Thank you Claude for helping me create this, lol. I want to limit microposts to 20 per page. Additionally, I need to update images so that they fit properly in the central container.
You ever get the urge just to start running out of sheer joy? Kids do this all the time - well that’s what I was doing just now lol, sometimes life just fills your veins and the only proper response is to let it do what it wants with you. Also the light was hitting just right :)
On fast love vs slow love by mylene mae. She discovers the word “emophilia”, which essentially describes people who like the emotions involved with falling in love fast, lol. I’ve been there! “There’s a difference between cramming for an exam versus fully understanding the subject.”
Okay, the more I learn to code, the more I think to myself why don’t I just build on top of what I already know and like - i.e. coding and stuff related to data and the like? I don’t need to learn how to build apps, etc. I like the idea of it, but I don’t think I like it as much as someone who’s a devoted web dev, for instance. Do I want to learn? Eh, somewhat. I know enough to fool around. But do I want to commit to mastery? Not really… I just don’t enjoy web dev’ing, and that’s okay.
Learning how to stay with the uncertainty of not knowing, while working towards knowing, is a skill. Alexey Guzey says more, comparing his 2013 self to his 2023 self (see this image).
Listening to Dr. K with Reckful (rip) has me wondering if my search for direction and desire to help others is just a way of avoiding myself, being with my frustrated, lonely self. Dr. K says that the source of Reckful’s depression may not actually be clinical (it may be), but that his life is empty. Elaborating on that, he says that everything Reckful does is an attempt to escape himself. The problem is that he gets really good at what captures his interest, and then the pursuit stops. Getting good means finishing something, and returning to himself. Is that the desire to become a therapist for me? So I can focus on others and not feel what I feel? Is all of this a desire to escape my life? Hence why the fantasizing, the dreaming, the yearning but lack of desire to take real steps? Ugh. Do I not like who I am? Yeah… I’m learning how to accept and love all of me…
Heidi Priebe: “The tricky thing about healing our narcissistic parts is that it means giving up the redemption fantasies that, for most of our lives, may have served as our strongest defenses against depression.” Redemption fantasies: that I will meet the LOML and things will just work; that someone out there will save me from doing the work from saving myself; that there is some perfect condition/situation/relationship waiting to pop onto my lap.
For some reason reading this article is making me think about Howards End and the recent conversations I’ve had with my longtime childhood friends. This friend is a practical person. He’s been this way for as long as I’ve known him. Never exactly prone to dreaminess or emotions, even though I see glimmers of a certain sadness covered by exhaustion at times. It feels like he’s in constant maintenance mode, juggling one obligation to the next ranging from his work to his relationship, toys (watches, cars, outdoor gear), and hobbies. We talked about camping and how much he desires seclusion. I gather from this that he is tired, just wants some time to rest and relax. I feel it in the way he talks - with regard towards numbers, status, etc. (Why can’t I remember exactly what he said? I want to focus in on specifics more often, point things out to people. “You know, I’ve noticed that you often talk about X in Y way… do you notice that? I’m just curious!”) All of this makes me think about Henry from Howards End. He’s a business man through and through, has no sense of the romance, or maybe a glimmer of it, once he meets Margaret. She’s the one who saves him, preserves some sense of the sacred, as manifest in the way she feels when in Howards End. Forster has a clear sense of values. The text verges on the didactic at some points. But the writing is so beautiful that you can’t help but sense a truth there. And there really is a truth there. It’s a truth that my friends seem to miss. I think we’re all going through it actually, some of us more aware than others, of the loss of a certain youth, of something passing by, “time.” But time is a cover-up for everything that we haven’t yet seen. Perhaps we keep ourselves busy not to look at it, this giant wave that is coming for all of us, that we are a part of and cannot escape from, no matter how far into the woods we go.
I’m making progress on the contemplative care application! I was moved by this article (Contemplative Chaplaincy, Psychotherapy, and Buddhist Ministry: Similarities and Differences). It really highlighted a way of being that deeply resonates with my own. At the very least I’d like to go through the training, and to get some experience working with people during hard times in their lives.